10 Words in 10 Days…Day 9

be·wil·dered
/bĭ-wĭl′dərd/
tr.v. be·wil·der, be·wil·der·ing, be·wil·ders
1. To become confused or befuddled, especially with numerous conflicting situations, objects, or statements.

And bewildered I am. What the hell happened? And why did it have to happen to me and now? I have not run since Tuesday and although I must admit, my injury seems better, it still doesn’t seem great. And the desire to test it out, just by doing a little jog down the driveaway or at the indoor track at the Y, is almost overwhelming.

But I WILL NOT because I don’t want to stress it.

Or maybe I just don’t want to know.

I go through hours at a time where I have absolutely no discomfort. Then suddenly a little hiccup…like a reminder…that it isn’t nearly healed. But I keep stretching, rolling and icing. Last night I actually resorted to a super warm, epsom salt bath. And I swear, that did wonders. Could it be wishful thinking? Could it be a placebo effect? Probably. Or maybe not. But it can’t hurt. And if it feels better afterwards, it just gives me all the more reason to keep it up, and massage it well while I’m in that warm bathwater.

rollercoaster

So, it is moments like these, where my little two-seater car starts up the incline of that roller coaster ride. I’m alone…of course…and up, up, up I go. Will it be a steep drop at the top? Will I go tumbling down off the edge of the track? Will it be one of those teaser lengths of roller coaster track where you get a gorgeous view of the park for a few moments before the terrorizing, spiraling fall to the ground? Or will it just ease on down to earth, as if to say, “scared ya, didn’t I?”

Bewildered, confused, befuddled.

As I crawled out of bed this morning, there wasn’t even a hint of stiffness.

I’m on my way to downtown Minneapolis to participate in a photo shoot for the Star Tribune of all the Boston bound Minnesota runners. Somehow I feel like I don’t belong and that I shouldn’t be going. I don’t know why I’m so hard on myself. I earned the right to be there. Last June, at Grandma’s Marathon in Duluth, I ran my heart out and qualified by over 10 minutes. And that was no easy task. Bewildered, confused, befuddled. What is my goal now? What is the task at hand? My hopes of another BQ at Boston are all for naught now, and perhaps I should just bask in the glory that I get to attend and suit up, put a bib on, and enjoy the race!

Lost and Confused Signpost

And to think that I am even thinking any of this after what happened last year. I have met so many people through social media who were there, and who experienced the bombings first hand, and who weren’t able to finish the race, or worse yet, were injured or directly affected by those who were. Those people have a right to be bewildered, confused, befuddled. Me? I’m just wallowing in my own self pity.

I think it may be time to change that.

Perhaps, through tomorrow’s word.

5 Responses to 10 Words in 10 Days…Day 9

  1. petitepacer says:

    Great post! I like the concept of a word a day. And yes, you are too hard on yourself. 🙂
    I love you.. see you soon!

  2. Mom says:

    I also think you’re being hard on yourself. You are stressing out too. After all, this marathon has been a long time coming and preparing; and you’ve worn yourself out! Rest, take one day at a time; and you’ll do just fine when the time comes. In the meantime… “take it easy.” Have faith!
    (My humble opinion) and I love you!

  3. You are awesome!!! You qualified! It’s hard to qualify, so that tribune is right in putting you in it!!! HAVE FUN!!

  4. It sounds like you are having a lot of really normal mixed emotions and feelings. Looking forward to your next few days watching your progress through the week. You’ve been such a big support to other bloggers so now it’s our turn. You got this!

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